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Embracing absurdity
Apr. 12th, 2014 08:34 amI plan to go back to church today, although my beliefs and unbelief are not settled yet.
If you read this, unknown reader, you would have probably noticed that there is a huge time span between my last post and now. The reason being sometime ago, I gave up on the possibility of finding an explanation that would provide purpose and meaning to life. I said that 'I've embraced absurdity' - what I define as the perpetual failure of the human desire for a grand unifying narrative that reconciles purpose and virtue to a higher ideal.
I only plan to go to church because I miss praying.
The pursuit of an ideal was so important to me; I thought that if I could find that ideal I could dedicate my entire self to it and be formed into that ideal. Losing that hope of ever finding that ideal made me really messed up.
I also got rejected for a short story anthology, that didn't make me happy.
I also got set up for something that's sort of like an arranged marriage, but isn't really, by my relatives. I don't think it's going ahead, though at the time it was really awful.
I've lost direction. There isn't a direction for better virtue, better purpose.
Atheism doesn't appeal to me because popular atheists don't quite carry their principles to its full conclusions; to embrace nihilism. Without a higher purpose, all virtue is meaningless.
'Survival of the species' is a bad principle because unless the species is directed towards a better state, there is no good to survival. We could be living in a supernormal environment, evolution developing to no particular direction at all.
I got so upset thinking about this, I desired some form of self-harm. I ended up smoking a few cigarettes, how cutting edge.
I ended up mulling around in nihilism a fair bit, before just sort of deciding to...carry on I guess. What's the will to live except a kind of numbness about the reality of the human condition and a kind of embracing of polite civility?
Some things:
- because I love my father, I plan to go back to church, because he prayed that I should find a Christian man as a husband
- Isaac lit a candle of doubt for me, and I appreciate that gesture
--
If I have no faith, I cannot pursue philosophy. I would be a beast.
If you read this, unknown reader, you would have probably noticed that there is a huge time span between my last post and now. The reason being sometime ago, I gave up on the possibility of finding an explanation that would provide purpose and meaning to life. I said that 'I've embraced absurdity' - what I define as the perpetual failure of the human desire for a grand unifying narrative that reconciles purpose and virtue to a higher ideal.
I only plan to go to church because I miss praying.
The pursuit of an ideal was so important to me; I thought that if I could find that ideal I could dedicate my entire self to it and be formed into that ideal. Losing that hope of ever finding that ideal made me really messed up.
I also got rejected for a short story anthology, that didn't make me happy.
I also got set up for something that's sort of like an arranged marriage, but isn't really, by my relatives. I don't think it's going ahead, though at the time it was really awful.
I've lost direction. There isn't a direction for better virtue, better purpose.
Atheism doesn't appeal to me because popular atheists don't quite carry their principles to its full conclusions; to embrace nihilism. Without a higher purpose, all virtue is meaningless.
'Survival of the species' is a bad principle because unless the species is directed towards a better state, there is no good to survival. We could be living in a supernormal environment, evolution developing to no particular direction at all.
I got so upset thinking about this, I desired some form of self-harm. I ended up smoking a few cigarettes, how cutting edge.
I ended up mulling around in nihilism a fair bit, before just sort of deciding to...carry on I guess. What's the will to live except a kind of numbness about the reality of the human condition and a kind of embracing of polite civility?
Some things:
- because I love my father, I plan to go back to church, because he prayed that I should find a Christian man as a husband
- Isaac lit a candle of doubt for me, and I appreciate that gesture
--
If I have no faith, I cannot pursue philosophy. I would be a beast.